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Listen, Listen, Listen
October 4, 2009
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I love doing weddings. They are so full of hope. A wedding is the one time
that we actually cry with tears of happiness. When you think about it, a
couple could do a marriage ceremony in front of a justice of the peace, but
many, if not most, couples want to have a ceremony that is in a more formal
setting, often in a church that reflects their faith and values. But one
other ingredient is important here: the couple is displaying their love
and commitment in front of their friends and family. It is a powerful
moment because we are all involved in this event and in this new relationship.
That is why people, especially the couple, tend to get emotional during the
ceremony.
Now, I almost always end the service with an admonition that has some of my favorite words for weddings. I say to the couple: Your task is to talk and listen: to listen because what the other has to say matters deeply; to talk, because your can only begin to know and understand the other when you share yourself. If can do that, if you can give your attention and respect as well as your love, then your marriage will grow strong.These are good words not only for a couple about to spend their lives together,but for all of us who live, work, play and, in our case, worship with other people, especially with people who are close to us. Truly, they are good words for our church community. As much as I believe in a good church structure and the committee process to make the church run well and with efficiency, the true test of a healthy church is the members’ willingness and desire to listen to each other. To the extent that they do that is the extent of its health. Listening is not easy for Americans to do. To large extent according to Ralph G. Nichols and Leonard A. Stevens in their book Are You Listening [McGraw Hill, 1957], it is because of our education. When children begin in school, they are good listeners. They love stories, for example, but over time, because of the emphasis placed on the written word and reading, they become less able to listen well. That makes sense because we have a written tradition as opposed to an oral tradition such as with the Native Americans who truly valued listening. We see that value expressed in their use of the Talking Stick that is used during a council meetings. Only the person holding the stick is allowed to talk. Every member of the meeting must listen closely to the words being spoken, so when their turn comes, they do not repeat unneeded information or ask impertinent questions. Indian children are taught to listen from age three forward; they are also taught to respect another’s viewpoint. This is not to say that they may not disagree, but rather they are bound by their personal honor to allow everyone their Sacred Point of View. Now it is a shame that we don’t listen like Native Americans because good listening helps to create harmonious relationships. And as the wedding admonition suggests – the essence of good listening is simply the idea that what the other person has to say is important. It is the essence of respect andof affirming the worth and dignity of a person. I find it interesting that the word “respect” actually means to “look back” or “look again”. “Re” means again, and “spect” which comes from the French word “specere” which means to“look”, which gives us the words “spectacle”, “spectator” or “spy.” But now it has come to mean an act of giving particular attention or consideration to another or of holding one high in special regard or esteem. How then can you show respect to another? How can you give them attention and consideration? How can you hold them in high regard or esteem? You can only do that by listening to them, as if what they say matters deeply. Now, often people are not even aware that they are not listening well. I had a friend, let us call him Sam, who had a good heart, but there was at time I was going through several transitions in my life: a divorce, my mother dying and troubles at church. But whenever I talked with Sam about my problems, he would give me advice. I was not looking for advice. Just for someone to listen and understand and to help me to come to my own conclusions about what is to be done. Now, I know why he was doing this. He felt a need to “fix” me, to make me better. He felt responsible somehow for my pain and confusion. Nevertheless, it was infuriating that he would do this. He was implying that he knew better what I should do than I. And I suspect there were some times he was right, but that still did not feel right. In fact, it was irritating and demeaning especially since I knew that he too was having his own problems with his relationships with family and friends. I was sorely tempted to tell him what to do. In time, I simply stopped talking to him about my life’s problems but we still remained friends. Truly, the simple act of listening without judging, or trying to fix the other person, or show off our own knowledge demonstrates our respect. Again, that is not easy for many of us to do. Therapists often do that for people – listen intently – not just to the words but to the tone and timbre of our voice, to discern what is meant more than what is merely said. I have been to therapists and I do recommend that people go to therapists from time to time – not just in a time of crisis, but any time one is feeling a little stressed, depressed or confused. But I caution you to remember that therapists are human beings and each is unique in her or his way of doing therapy. Having a relationship with a therapist is just like having a relationship with a friend. One therapist may work out well for many of your friends but not for you. The right therapist can be there for you and listen to you which can begin the true work of healing that comes from within you. Also, it is good to have friends who oftentimes by their listening to us help us to find our strength and comfort as well as or often better than a therapist. I was once involved in a movement called co-counseling, which was a program of teaching lay people to listen to each other and then taking turns counseling one another. Interestingly, some five years earlier before I was involved in co-counseling, I listened to a lecture from a leader of that movement at the Portland Unitarian Universalist church for our Wednesday potluck which I had organized. I remember a story she told that touched me. I will never forget it. A woman owned a small grocery store, something like a country store as I recall. Her husband of many years had died recently. Obviously, she was grieving for her loss; she missed him terribly. Her customers who were also her friends would come in and would ask her how she was doing and she would tell them. She would do this many times during the day. And each time she did so, she found that her pain was relieved a little. She found her comfort and strength for she had the best therapy she could have: friends listening to her; in this case, many friends. Now, what if we could have a little country store for ourselves so that when the time comes, when we are suffering, we could talk about it to our many friends over time. That is a gift not many of us have. But our church can be something like that country store. Only, it does take some intention and a little skill to do it right. Again, it is not easy for most of us to listen well. I know that for many years it was hard for me to listen to people because I was so anxious to please. And thus I would anticipate people’s thoughts, which meant that I would miss something; it meant that was putting my own imprimatur onto their thoughts. I was not being an empty vessel. While in seminary, I participated in a Zen Retreat at an ashram called the Empty Gate. The spiritual leader was a Korean Master named Seung Sahn, a wonderful man with a beaming smile and a wily wit and intelligence. We were blessed to have him lecture us on the next to last day of our retreat in which he extolled the virtues of the “don’t-know mind.” He then told us about the meaning of “satori” which we in the West take to mean “enlightenment”, but in Japanese means simply “one’s own country.” In other words, when one has reached reached satori or what we call enlightenment, it is as if one is at home in the world. To gain satori, we meditated every day, by focusing on a mantra, that is, a repeated phrase, trying to be in control of our mind, which the Buddhists compare to a drunken monkey stung by a bee. They call our mind, “monkeymind.” And it is difficult to get control of our mind, but we try byfocusing on our mantras. And in time, we do stay focus for about a minute. After the retreat, my mind was so clear, I was so present to the world, that I could be there for people in a way I’ve never been before. I remember one of my classmates named Carla, came to me to talk about her health problems. She had a recurrence of cancer. Rather than being scared about saying the right thing or wanting to help by fixing her, I just listened, fully. And she appreciated my listening. She commented how she felt better after our conversation. There are many obstacles to listening, but I want to focus on the one I am most familiar with, anxiety. A story from the book Are You Listening? shows how fear prevented people from truly listening. And it is fear that is corrupting our political conversation right now. The story is about the famous, or infamous, 1938 radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds presented by Orson Wells, who, as we know, became a famous movie producer, writer, director and actor. Wells and his actors pretended to broadcast reports about Martian creatures invading the earth attacking with death rays. Now, two announcements were made during the show indicating to people that they were hearing a fictitious report. And a similar announcement was made at the program’s conclusion. Nevertheless, about a million people missed the announcements for when they heard the word invasion, they panicked, rushing out of their homes with wet towels covering their faces, leaving town never to return, tying up phone lines to radio stations, newspapers, hospitals and police stations, begging for information and help. Now, many psychologists have looked to this incident as a case history of how people can panic in time of crisis. But the authors of Are You Listening? have a different take on it. They noted that the times were ripe for panic, nevertheless, as they put it: [The] nation’s radio sets were being tuned into by people who were notoriously bad listeners. The program’s announcements carried the information that would have prevented the panic. The context of the broadcast itself contained clues that the program was not true. [Research] by Princeton University showed that many people who did not panic had put their minds at ease by carefully listening to the story’s context. However, the fact remains that about one-sixth of the radio listeners did not use their listening ability in a critical fashion to discover what was really happening. [p.3]This story is a cautionary for our times. I am concerned now about the nature of our political dialogue, for it seems that people are having a difficult time listening. Recently, at political rallies concerning the health care debate, men were seen openly bearing guns. That would be absurd if it weren’t so troubling. It seems that these men have no concept of the meaning of democracy, that is, the idea that we have conversations and debates about the important issues of our day, often times harsh and raucous debates, but in a democracy, we don’t threaten people with lethal force and we certainly don’t kill each other. We can see that kind of behavior in other countries, repressive, cruel countries with have dictatorships or anarchy. But what I would like to ask those men certain questions, such as, do you understand the principles of our democracy? Do you believe in democracy, or in the idea of might makes right, in the power of brute force? And did you come here to this debate about health care to listen and learn from other people? Are you willing to accept the outcome peacefully when it is done within our democratic process? Or did you come here to intimidate others, just like those political operatives in oppressive countries who use violence to achieve their goals? Granted, people are afraid, just as people were in the Great Depression in 1938. But let not our fears prevent us from listening to each other and treating each other with respect. I believe that if we can listen to and respect each other, we will be able to solve our difficult problems. But if we cannot or will not do this, then there is little, if any hope for us. We have strong democratic traditions to show us the way. Let us keep to those traditions by entering into spirited debate, hoping to find common ground, but if not, by keeping to a process that respects people such that no matter what the outcome, we will hear each other, we will respect each other and we will live in peace and harmony. Now, I suspect that most of you, if given a choice, would rather give up your hearing than your eyesight. Generally, that is what people say. But the truth is that losing one’s hearing causes more problems than losing one’s eyesight. It creates a sense of isolation and confusion. Indeed, children who are born deaf have a much harder time being socialized than those who are born blind. Helen Keller commented on this phenomenon for herself: I have heard of rainbows of the stars, of the play of light on the waves, these I would like to see but far more than sight, I wish for my ears to be open. The voice of a friend, the noises of community, the imaginations of Mozart, life without these is darker by far than blindness.Helen Keller knew about the importance of being able to hear. It truly is the basis for the creation of a community and for healing us as we find strength and comfort from each other. As doctor and author Bernie Siegel, said, “We heal each other by listening.” But there is another more important consideration about listening. I believe that we are never truly alone, that inside of us is a small still voice, a presence, you may call God if you wish and that small still voice calls forth to respond to the best that is in us. It is a voice that even Helen Keller could hear. It also, calls forth to us to find our strength and comfort in our times of tragedy. I close with one last story, this time about our closing hymn, Precious Lord written by Thomas Dorsey, whom many consider to be the father of gospel music. For 40 years beginning in the 1920s Dorsey was the choir director for the Pilgrim Baptist Church in Chicago. One time, when he was working with a gospel choir in St. Louis, Dorsey got word that his wife had died in childbirth and his child had died shortly after being born. Can you imagine the pain and grief Thomas was experiencing as he made the long drive home in the dark? But he opened his heart and listened to that small still voice and heard a song
Precious Lord, take my hand,
As sad as the situation was for Thomas Dorsey, we can note that he did live through this tragedy and later married again and had children, lived a good, long happy life until his mid-90s. No doubt this inspired hymn helped him to find his comfort and strength.
I too have sung this song myself during times of grief. I was especially
taken by the second verse,
When my way grows drear,
These words help us to sing out and share ourselves in our pain so that we
can begin to know and understand ourselves. And these words reach out to that
small still voice, to that presence that listens because what he have to say and
sing matters deeply.
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| Sermon Copyright © 2009 Harold W. Beu |
